DefinitelyAPervert
by TinkerbellReturns
Summary: Neal Cassidy was getting ready to check out of Granny's when another guest showed up to take his room. And she had brought company... Inspired by Adam Horowitz "ha!" to Emma Swan new ship: Emma/Vibrator on Twitter. Explicit Content. Porn sandwiched between some humor and fluff. Oneshot.


He was finally checking out of Granny's. Took him long enough to find a place in Storybrooke - mainly because house hunting in a town his father owned was not exactly an easy task.

His only bag was packed, the bed nicely made - he didn't want to impose even more than he had already on the people running the place. After all, for some reason Granny Lucas hadn't let him pay for his stay - whether an act of charity for which he was incredibly grateful (since he was already running out of money), or the result of his father once again pulling some strings, he didn't know.

He finished shaving and took a final look in the mirror. Now, if Henry wanted to, he would be able to sleep at his place every now and then. He made a mental note to buy groceries and maybe a couple extra blankets and pillows. Perhaps he could build the kid a tree house? The place he had gotten himself had a nice backyard...

With a sad smile, he finished putting his toiletries away, thinking of what it would feel like if Emma moved in with him. Of course he hadn't asked her about it - it felt too soon. They had barely gotten to the point in which they were able to hang around each other without feeling awkward again; he didn't want to rush things and risk screwing everything up.

Maybe, one day, she would be ready to take the next step. For now, all he could do was wait.

His hand was already on the doorknob when he heard someone come into the room, their quick footsteps getting away from the door as the distinct sound of something being thrown onto the bed filled his ears.

* * *

There was at least one advantage to having a loud, complicated extended family like hers: there was always someone near willing to stay with Henry if she needed to take care of other businesses. Not that Henry himself wanted to hang around with his family all the time now that he was a teen, she remarked, dropping her bag on the bed as she got rid of her boots.

Her boy was growing up... That is, _their_ boy. Hers, and Neal's. She placed the paper bag she was carrying on the dresser, and pulled out a bottle of beer from inside it, opening it as images of that man filled her mind.

She took a swig from the bottle and then placed it on the nightstand to take off her jeans, sighing deeply as she did so. She wondered if she should have kissed him at all, a couple of days before, when they were both returning from a dinner at their parents' place. Neal had apologized so much, and looked so mortified for kissing her back, that she wondered if he even thought they had a chance at all.

She took the bottle again, and walked towards the window. Almost two years had gone by since that day in Manhattan, but after all the insane events that had taken place ever since, only now the two of them were able to spend time together... To talk, to try and sort things out.

She was still trying to get her head wrapped around everything that had happened in the past few months, too many conflicting feelings trying to take charge, and the struggle to keep it all together was beginning to take its toll on her.

She needed a break, she needed some time for herself. Even if it was all about having a beer and listening to some music in a room at the town's B&B. Even if - she now realized, as her head hit the pillow and his perfume filled his nostrils - she had been given precisely the same room Neal had occupied.

"This town is full of matchmakers, this is what..." she muttered, as she reached for the iPod in her bag and scrolled through the many playlists available. One of them made her lips curl into a smile, and she closed her eyes as the first song started playing.

* * *

His mouth gaped open as he watched Emma stretch on the bed, wearing nothing but panties and a tank top. The music now playing quietly in the room wasn't helping the pounding in his ears either, as blood rushed to parts of his body with a mind of their own.

He wet his lips when she started playing with the rim of her top, pulling it up to reveal her flat stomach, stopping only when her fingers grazed one of her breasts. He could hear her voice as she sang, whispering the words with her eyes closed, and he couldn't help but mouth the lyrics as well, his jeans tightening even more around the crotch as he remembered the time they had made love to that tune. Out in the open. In a park. During a rock concert. Though, of course, not while seeing said concert, since they would have never been able to pay for it. They had found themselves a spot that seemed to be safe from curious eyes, but even so, the music had traveled distances... Her legs were wrapped around his waist as she supported herself against a tree, her breath on his lips, moaning as he slid in and out of her body, her nails digging into his back as he sucked on her neck...

His breath caught in his throat when he saw her hand was now lodged between her legs. If only he could see what was on her mind as she reached for cell phone with the hand that was not... Busy.

He jolted forward and nearly had a heart attack when his phone started buzzing in his pocket, and he pulled it out in such a hurry that the thing slipped from his hands and nearly fell into the toilet.

_'Em'_

"Oh man..." he whispered, his eyes wide as he stared at the phone screen. "Oh, man!"

He looked around in a hurry. If he answered her call, she would now he was in the bathroom watching her... But if he didn't, he knew he would regret it.

"H-Hey," he stuttered, almost tripping on his feet as he climbed into the bathtub in an attempt to stifle his voice.

"Hey. Can you talk?"

Her voice was low and relaxed, but the lust underneath it made him shiver, especially because he knew where one of her hands was while they chatted.

"Yeah," trying to be as quiet as possible.

"Where are you now?

_'In your bathroom'_ would surely make a bad impression, so he had to improvise.

"In town."

"Where in town?"

"Near Granny's.

"Oh..."

"Why?"

"Just thought you could be up for a beer."

_Liar._

"You inviting me for a drink?" he asked, trying not to sound too excited about the fact she was thinking about him as she touched herself.

"Why are you whispering?"

"I'm... at a church."

"Is there a church near Granny's?" he could almost see her raised eyebrow through her voice.

"Yeah. More of a... _chapel?_"

He rolled his eyes at how lame he had sounded, silently praying that she would let that one slide.

"Didn't know you were religious..."

"Yeah..."

"Well..." he heard her sigh, and hated himself for being so far from the door. "If you feel like stopping by later, meet me at Granny's."

"The diner?"

"Room 4."

"Oh..."

_She wanted to do it with him_, and yet she was getting off all by herself while crouched in a bathtub. Of course, things just couldn't be easy, could they?

"Leave the door open, then."

"Why?"

"In case you're... taking a nap," he offered, rubbing his eyes as he once again tried his luck with another silly excuse. "I might be late."

"In case I'm taking a nap I wonder why you would have to come to my room?"

"To... To wake you up?"

"Right..." he heard her sigh again on the other side of the line. "Try not to be late and I might be awake when you arrive."

"O-Ok."

When she hung up, he waited a few minutes before climbing out of the bathtub, in case she had heard his voice and decided to check.

But, apparently, she was too busy entertaining herself to actually suspect anything unusual.

"Aw hell no..." he muttered, as soon as he got back to his spot behind the semi-open bathroom door and his eyes fell on what had replaced her hand between her legs.

* * *

When Neal hung up, she kept staring at the bathroom door with a smile in her lips as she clutched her cell phone.

_Leave the door open,_ he had said.

Okay, then.

She rose to her feet, took another swig from the bottle of beer on the nightstand and unlocked the door to her room, shrugging as she made her way back to the bed.

So Neal was going to be late... Too bad, then - she would have to start without him.

Once again she reached for her bag, this time taking out a box that contained her few, yet very prized, possessions.

"Turns out it's just the two of us, Champ..." she said, grabbing her Hot & Smooth Vibe and taking it out of its protection case with great care. "As usual."

She chuckled, remembering the time when she started considering getting herself a sex toy. There had been so many to choose from... for some reason, the jackrabbits had never gotten her going, their design way too... strangely cute for her to feel entirely comfortable with them. And so, she had found herself with a plain, sleek silicon shaft - no frills, but with enough power to work wonders on her since day one.

She let out a sigh when the next song of her "DefinitelyAPervert" list started playing, thinking of how good it felt to kiss him... He was a hell of a good kisser, after all, and no matter where those soft, warm lips of his landed on her body, she was sure to writhe and moan as he licked and sucked and bit... Little humming sounds coming out of his throat as his deft fingers followed suit... Parting her moist lips to play with her nub, penetrating her as his mouth teased her nipples, his eyes searching hers as his pulse quickened and she stroked his thick, hot, swollen cock... Moving up and down, feeling it throb and stretch and twitch under her touch...

"Oh baby yeah... Fuck me..."

She had pulled her panties aside, her fingers dancing across her slippery folds before turning her toy on and lodging it where she wished Neal were.

"Oh God yeah..."

She rocked her hips while switching speeds, moans escaping her throat in a constant, thrilling string of pleasure.

* * *

It was awfully hot in the bathroom, he now realized. It felt a lot like a sauna, and he had to wipe the sweat off his forehead and take care of an impossibly solid erection while trying to get rid of his coat and scarf, all at the same time.

He made sure, of course, that his eyes remained glued to the shape of the woman masturbating only a few feet away from where he was, his gaze darting from her thighs to her stomach to her mouth.

He was salivating, torn between the urge to jump on that bed and finish the work she had begun, or stand there and watch it until the end, until she came hard and loud and gushed and _oh if only he could get a better angle to see it all_.

His cock jumped in his hand at the thought of seeing the hidden jewel between her legs, glistening with her juices, throbbing, swollen as he knew it would be, but from where he stood all he could see was her thighs and a cylindrical shape coming in and out sight... in and out... _in and out..._

If his mind weren't so busy trying to come up with ways of getting to that bed without being yelled at, he would have noticed that the sound of running water would most likely not go unnoticed. But because his brain was no longer working properly, he turned on the tap nevertheless, and leaned against the sink to splash some water on his face. He needed to get closer to her, to see her, _to touch her_, even if that meant throwing caution to the winds and crawling into the bedroom so that he could fly under the radar until he got to the hat stand, a much more privileged viewing spot... a ridiculous hiding place, where she would take less than five seconds to spot him, holding his cock that was now as hard as steel.

But then, who cared? Certainly, not him. Dignity was seriously overrated, anyway.

And so, off he went, after bracing himself for what was likely to be one of the most humiliating scenes of his life if he happened to get caught.

* * *

Her breath was coming in short gasps as her beloved travelling companion dealt with her urges, but despite all the frenzy she had worked herself into, she was still lucid enough to notice the door to the bathroom was finally opening.

_About time._

She bit her lip as she stared at the ceiling, tempted to look at him but knowing he would be far too embarrassed if she caught him red-handed. So, instead, she simply let her head loll to the side, her eyes still closed as she switched speeds once again and moaned even louder at the vibrations spreading across her folds. Then, after opening her eyes just a little, she spotted him on the floor, crawling towards the bed, and the urge to giggle was so strong she had to throw her head to the other side and hide it under a pillow, biting it as her whole body shook with laughter.

_Was he seriously crawling?_ And with that scared look on that face?

What an adorable, horny idiot.

She swallowed when he finally sat at the edge of the bed, trying to keep a straight face as she turned to glance at him and tried her best to look, and sound, surprised.

"I didn't hear you come in..." she purred, after letting out a gasp when he touched her knee and gently parted her legs even more to gaze at her dripping wet folds.

"The door was open..." he muttered, finding it very hard to articulate that simple sentence as he tried his best not to drool, staring at the shaft coming in and out of her hole. And then, as he wet his lips, he raised his eyes to hers, and she had to bite back a chuckle. "You saw me come out of the bathroom, didn't you?"

"I did."

"The church talk clued you in?"

"And I heard your voice while we were on the phone."

"Crap..."

"And then, running water..." she continued, giggling as his ears turned red. "I thought you would never come out."

"How would I not?" he whispered, his eyes again falling upon her groin as she kept playing with herself, his hand going up and down his cock lazily.

"You like it?" she moaned, pulling the toy out to reveal a light trail of fluid that connected its tip to her folds.

"What?"

"Seeing it."

"Yeah…"

She felt her muscles spasm at the lust in his voice, a moan escaping his mouth as he watched her sex intently, pulling her panties further aside with one hand as the other tightened its grip on his cock.

"You're so fucking beautiful…" he whispered, his finger tracing her outer lips ever so lightly.

She let her head fall back onto the pillow, stretching her arm to touch his leg as he kneeled next to her, biting his lip as his other hand went up her stomach.

"Come here," she whispered, tugging at his pants to draw his attention, waiting for him to come near her on the bed so that his mouth would get closer to hers as she reached for his engorged penis - its warmth and veiny velvety making all toys feel like nothing but rather poor replacements. She smiled against his lips when her fingers wrapped around his throbbing flesh

and his eyes fluttered closed, his breathing patterns changing as they kissed, his fingers covering hers as she slipped the vibrator back into her hole.

She gasped when he rotated the base to change the speed of it, jerking forward as a jolt of electricity sprouted on her loin.

"Too much?" he asked, his eyes darting across her face as he pulled back.

"No," she panted, leading his hand back to where she wanted it. "Don't stop."

His eyes locked with hers, and he could feel, once again, sweat trickling down his forehead. He couldn't actually believe that he was fucking her... _with a toy!_ In the meantime, his cock protested in silence, ready to heed the call, a string of precum falling from its tip to her thigh.

He watched in awe as she lifted her hands to her breasts, leaving him in control of what was going on below her waist. Now he wished he had helped her out of her tank top - oh, how he wished he could see those lovely breasts of hers as she fondled them with her eyes closed, her moaning even louder now that he had repositioned the vibrator, rubbing it around her clit in slow semi-circles...

"You gonna cum?" he asked, as she raised her hips from the bed and writhed, the hand she had laid on his thigh closing into a fist. Instead of replying, she bit her lower lip, breathing hard, the apples of her face tinted with rose as she whimpered.

Of course she was going to come. Over a decade had gone by, but he remembered that face, those twitches, those sounds.

He pulled back, dragging her to the edge of the bed as he withdrew the vibrator from her, getting off the bed to kneel on the floor with a swift move.

"Wha- nonono don't st-"

He raised his eyes to her face as he covered her sex with his lips, applying some wet pressure to her bud as his mouth closed around her folds, sucking them eagerly, feeling her throb in his tongue.

And then, she was arching her back, mouth gaping open as her eyes darted across the ceiling, seeing nothing but an explosion of colors as orgasm ripped through her body, an endless wave of pleasure numbing all her senses as she filled his mouth with her juices. And the more he sucked and lapped them, the more her core seemed to melt, her heart on the verge of bursting through her chest.

"Fuck..." she chuckled, covering her eyes with her forearm as he pressed soft kisses all over her stomach. "Just... Fuck..."

He lowered his mouth to her labia again, and sucked her warm flesh lightly before moving back onto the bed, watching her shiver at that final tease. She tasted so sweet, so good, and she looked so damn beautiful as she laughed, that he felt it wouldn't take much longer for him to reach his peak as well. But then, what a shame would that be... After thirteen years waiting to be with her again, he wanted it to last.

Her hands had once again reached for his leg, and before he knew his back had hit the mattress, as she flung her legs over his torso.

"Whoa..."

"Yeah," she whispered in response.

"Where did you learn that?"

"Did I ever tell you what I used to do for a living?" she asked, as she unbuttoned his shirt.

"Before you became a full-time hero?"

"Yeah."

"No."

She lowered her lips to his face, and it was his turn to shiver when he felt her warm breath on his ear.

"I was a bail bondsperson."

"Oh y-yeah?"

"Yeah..." she replied, biting his earlobe as her hands traveled down his chest. "Had to deal with some real pieces of work."

That was the moment for some snarky comment. _If only he could think of words._

He followed her gaze as it landed on his bare chest, and he swallowed at the realization that the last time she saw it, it probably didn't have nearly as many grey hairs as it did now.

"Not really as you remember it, is it?"

Much to his relief, the obvious signs of his aging didn't seem to bother her in the slightest. He saw her smirk, and a second later, his eyes were rolling back into his head as her tongue slid across his ribs and she sucked on his skin on her way up to his nipple.

"Well..." she said, licking her lips. "You taste just as good."

The pounding in his ears was far too loud for any coherent thought to get through. She was grinding her hips against his erection, and all he could think of was to end that torment and slip inside her.

"Are you seriously still wearing panties?" he asked between gritted teeth, fumbling with the piece of fabric around her hips.

"You're still wearing boxers and jeans, I guess you win..."

"Well," he muttered, as the zipping sound of fabric being ripped made her gasp. "Your problem is now solved."

"Neal!"

"What?" he chuckled, throwing her torn panties to a corner of the room. "I'll buy you new ones..."

"Pervert..."

"Now help me out of these, will you?" he said, smirking as he lifted his hips off the bed.

She yanked down his pants and underwear in one swift move, her eyes shifting from his face to his cock, straining against his belly as she lodged herself between his legs and pulled her hair to the side to give his throbbing shaft a slow, long lick. She let the tip of her tongue linger on the spot just below the head, smiling when he squeezed his eyes shut and grabbed a handful of her hair.

She had missed him, more than she would like to admit. The taste of him, the heat of his skin, his smell... Everything in him made her lose herself, and she could simply stay there for hours sucking him, letting him fuck her mouth as he rocked his hips gently to push the head of his engorged penis further past her lips, but the truth was that the tingling between her legs demanded some urgent attention. After all, it had been thirteen years since she last had him inside her, and she really didn't want to wait anymore.

Judging by the look in his eyes, _neither did he_.

"What?" he asked when she giggled.

"You're making that face."

"What face?"

"You look like you're gonna cry."

"Heh, funny," he managed to say, though it was getting much harder to breathe now that she was stroking him again. "You make that face too, when you're coming. Turns me on."

"Yeah..."

She positioned his cock at her entrance, shifting her legs so that she could find the best angle to lower herself onto his body.

"Oh God..." his voice could barely make it past his gritted teeth as she rubbed the tip of his cock against her moist folds. "Fuck, Emma, yeah..."

He heard her gasp when his glans finally slipped inside, shuddering as his shaft stretched even more as it slowly disappeared into her. There was sex, and then there was _sex with Emma Swan_, he thought, when she leaned forward to grab the bed head and hump even harder onto him. Even back in the day, when they were still green, bumping heads on the backseat of their car as they explored each other's bodies, she had always made him lose himself in a way no one else had ever been able to. All it took was one look into her eyes and he was gone, panting as she rode him into oblivion...

He licked his lips as he watched two perfect ivory orbs dance above his head, matching the movement of her hips. At what point she had taken off her top, he hadn't even noticed. All he knew was that her breasts were definitely fuller than the last time he had seen them; her nipples were different as well, and he kept staring at them for very long seconds before leaning in to catch one in his mouth, swirling his tongue around it as his fingers dug into her hips.

"Neal..."

It was his turn to set the pace, thrusting upwards in fierce, long strokes as he sucked her other nipple and her hands moved from the bed head to his hair. The contractions of her sex around his cock were making his balls tingle, and her moans were not helping much either. Much as he wanted it to last, there was only so much he could do; so before it was too late, he wrapped his arms around her waist and repositioned her body on the bed to enter her in a different position, one that they never could go for in the bug.

"You didn't use to last this long..." she said, trying to catch her breath as he rolled her on her side.

"Well," he replied, smirking as he raised one of her legs and snuggled closer to her. "I hope this is not a complaint."

"It isn't."

He brought her head to a kiss as they spooned, one of his arms wrapping around her neck as he entered her from behind.

"Fuck Neal..." he stilled himself inside her when she gasped, the muscles of her stomach undulating as he kissed her neck, sucking on the soft skin throbbing with her pulse. "I'm gonna come again..."

_'Oh please do,'_ he almost muttered in response. _'Fast.'_

He knew he would be out of commission very soon, but he wanted her to get there first. After all, who knew if and when she would be willing to spend some quality time with him again... Least he could do was make sure to go out with a bang.

His lips slid to her ear, and her muscles squeezed him so hard he groaned more loudly than he had expected. With a shaky hand, he reached behind him and smiled when his fingers found what they were looking for.

Emma nearly fell out of bed when the slow vibration of her toy found its way back to her body. It was far too much to handle: Neal's tongue on her ear, his hot cock sliding in and out of her dripping wet cunt, and now, Champ working its wonders on her clit.

"Neal, s-stop," she sttutered. "I c-can't..."

"What?"

She wanted to repeat her plead, but it was too late. The familiar tingling had already spread from her groin to her stomach, and from there to every inch of her body. She had to literally knock the vibrator off Neal's hand or he would have kept it going, and at that point she really couldn't do with any more stimulation, even though the head of his cock kept rubbing against a very sensitive spot inside her.

"Neal!"

She was not sure what was going on. If she had just reached her peak, then she would have expected her body to slowly come down from the aftershocks of climax; instead, the pleasure boiling inside her kept building up as he thrust faster into her, his heavy breathing on her neck announcing he was just as close to his grand finale.

"Wha-"

For a second, all she could hear was the sound of two sweaty bodies slapping against each other, the perspiration on his torso mixing with the thin layer of sweat on her lower back. And then, the moans that had escaped her mouth until that moment ceased, and no sound came out of her throat although her lips were parted. One sharp intake of breath later, a suffocated cry of pleasure finally found its way out of her lungs and at that point she was only vaguely aware of warmer fluids mixing with hers as Neal also cried his release.

When he finally disengaged himself from her, all he could hear was the voices of some sort of celestial choir. His gaze was vacant as he looked at the ceiling, waiting for his heartbeat to slow down after he had rolled on his back.

"I don't know how... but this is a first... and... yeah."

Somewhere in his nirvana, he acknowledged her words. But his brain was not yet ready to process them, so he simply slid his fingertips across her scalp as she laid her head on his chest, and sighed.

"Yeah..."

"Think Granny will be angry about the stained sheets?"

"Hmm?"

"You made quite a mess here..."

He raised his eyebrows, blinking to finally bring himself back to reality.

"'I' made a mess?" he asked, taking a quick glance at her thighs. "You mean 'we', right? Quite sure that is not all mine..."

"God, I need a shower..."

She had just sat up when he pulled her back onto the mattress.

"Stay," he whispered. "You can shower later."

"I'm all sticky."

"Me too."

He loved to see her like that. Disheveled hair, a slight flush on her cheeks, skin slick and shiny with sweat. And, of course, _that smile_. He never got tired of looking at it.

"Can you get us a beer, then?" she asked, resting her head on an elbow as she looked at him. "I'm thirsty."

"You have more beer here, seriously?" he looked around, amusement shining in his eyes. "I thought you'd said it just to lure me into your bed."

"Well... Can't say it didn't work."

"That's my girl..."

He kissed her forehead and smiled before getting on his feet, eyes half-closed as he dragged himself to the mini-bar. Or so he intended, until he stepped on something that made him trip and hit his forehead on the nearest wall.

Much to his surprise, however, Emma's concerned gasp ended with a word that did not sound like his name.

"Champ?" he asked, crouching to pick up the vibrator from the floor as he rubbed the swelling in his forehead. "Did I hear it right? You gave this thing a_ name?_"

"That 'thing' cost money."

"Yeah, but... _Champ_?"

"What?" she crossed her arms, raising an eyebrow at him. "You making fun of me?"

He opened his mouth to speak, but chose not to voice what was on his mind. Instead, he shrugged, and tried to bite back a chuckle.

"Thought you'd go for a Jack Rabbit," he said, grabbing two bottles of beer before throwing the toy back to her and heading back to bed. "I heard they're more... efficient."

"Nahh, that thing with the ears..." she wrinkled her nose and shook her head before taking a swig from the bottle. "But... how do you know that kind of thing?"

"Ever heard of Internet?"

"Pervert."

"You really like calling me that, don't you?"

"Since day one."

He nodded, lost in memories as he sipped his beer. More than thirteen years had gone by since their first drink, since the first time she had called him a pervert, and he still remembered every single detail of it with blinding clarity.

"Would you honestly choose your... vibrating rubber dong over me?"

"It beats you in at least one aspect."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," she licked her lips and smirked, casting a quick glance towards his lap. "It never goes soft."

"Whoa."

His jaw dropped at her comment, and as soon as his eyes landed on his nether parts, he reached for a pillow to cover himself.

"Whoa."

"It's the truth! I'm just stating a fact, not judging," she snickered. "Or complaining."

"Now_ that_ was cruel. That was _mean!_"

"I'm sorry!"

"Laws of nature here, you know? We males with real stuff need some time to recover, okay?"

"I know. I know."

She snatched away the pillow he was using to cover himself, giggling as she kissed his shoulder.

"But you see, there is one aspect I can beat your toy any time of the day..."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah..." he paused for dramatic effect, tilting his head upwards. "I don't need batteries."

"Granted."

"And I cuddle. Bring breakfast in bed. Foot massage. Hey, wait a minute, that is plenty of aspects, actually."

She spent a long minute staring at his face, torn between the desire to laugh and a dull ache inside her chest.

"A toy won't break my heart," she said, searching for his eyes as she spoke.

She loved him, there was no doubt whatsoever about it. But the fact she was once again letting him in after all that had happened... she was not sure she would be able to bounce back if he hurt her again.

"A toy won't mend it."

She closed her eyes and shook her head at his response.

_That fucking man._

"Your comebacks are impossible to beat today," she whispered, pushing his arm away.

"I still have it in me, baby. And by the way, have I mentioned foot massage?"

"You have."

"I'm a keeper."

"You are."

"Marry me?"

Her heart skipped a beat at his words, but when she shifted her gaze to his face she noticed he had that mischievous look in his eyes. Obviously, he was not serious.

"I'm not sure if this is a joke or if you're really asking," she chuckled, playing with a loose string coming out of the bed covers to avoid his eyes. "And my answer depends on it."

"Well, which scenario will embarrass me the least?

"I'd rather see it as a joke."

"There you go," he responded, and nothing but the subtle twitch of an eye would have given him away as he turned to look at the window. "Is it raining? I think I heard-"

"Neal, listen..."

"I know," he interrupted. "I know it's too soon. And I apologize, your oxytocin must have rubbed off on me."

"My _what?_"

"Oxytocin. Women release more of it during orgasm. Makes them bond with whomever they're with. Men are more... dopamine creatures, nothing that romantic, you know..."

"How do you know those things?"

"Again, ever heard of Internet?"

Yeah, she had heard of the Internet and she had used it for the most varied purposes as well, but there was no way he would remember such things unless he really had to. She knew how his mind worked: in many situations, he had the attention span of a guinea pig even though he was one of the sharpest people she had ever known. Still, words like 'dopamine' and 'oxysomething' were definitely not on the list of things she ever imagined she would hear from Neal Cassidy's mouth.

"Neal, what did you do before you came to Storybrooke?"

He took another swig from the bottle and she couldn't help but smile when he raised his eyebrows, looking slightly uncomfortable as he downed his beer.

"I... I worked as a writer," he said, "...a magazine writer."

"What?"

"It was... like a, like a _sexadvicecolumn_. There."

"What are you talking about?"

"Kind of a "Dear Abby" column. In which... I, _I _was dear Abby."

"You're joking."

"I.. I thought I was applying for office assistant, but... somehow the resumes got mixed up..."

"Stop it!"

"... and they called me for an interview... I found it strange when I saw the written test, but I was in no position to argue..."

"Neal! Stop!"

She didn't even need to hear how that story would end. The corners of his lips were twitching, just like they always did every time he tried to pull a stunt on her. Even so, the mere thought of Neal Cassidy, the son of Rumplestiltskin, writing for a 'Dear Abby' column made her shoulders shake as she laughed.

"Then, during the interview, they asked me if I knew what a clitoris was," he went on, even after the woman by his side had slapped him hard on the arm. "I think I stuttered, but I told them I did, of course."

When he turned to look at Emma, he realized she was trying to keep a straight face, but to no avail.

"And then I said that if they waited til lunchtime I'd buy them one," his voice was shaky as laughter rattled inside his chest. ""I knew a wonderful Greek restaurant!"

"Oh my God..."

She had to use a pillow to stifle a loud cackle, and that was all it took for him to burst into laughter as well.

"I'm not kidding!" he spluttered.

Emma was trying to catch her breath, coughing as she hid her face on the pillow.

"Oh my God, Neal!"

She was clutching her stomach as she laughed, panting for air.

"It's a true story!" he said, wiping away the tears with his forearm. "The interview really happened!"

"No..."

"It did. And they thought I was joking with that answer, so they nearly hired me..."

"It was a good joke, though... Greek restaurant... ha..."

Instead of answering, he merely let out a sigh.

"Because you knew, right? I mean, the answer."

He raised his eyebrows again, reaching for the bottle of beer on the nightstand.

"Neal?"

"Hmmm?"

"Oh no, no..." again, she felt she was about to split her sides when she burst into laughter. "_No!_ You thought a 'clitoris' was Greek food? Get out of my bed!"

"I learnt my lesson!"

"My _God!_"

She nearly rolled from the bed to the floor when he blushed, and it took her several minutes for her laughter to subside.

"That's...I mean... Wow," she muttered, grabbing her bottle of beer when her shoulders finally stopped shaking.

"Yeah."

"Hence the Internet... schooling."

"Pretty much," he shrugged, trying to look cool and collected after that embarrassing revelation about his past. "Now I'm a walking… sex encyclopedia."

"Good for you."

"For you too," he replied, winking as he squeezed her thigh gently. "Too bad back in Portland I still lacked... the knowledge."

"I would have never known..."

"Is that a compliment?"

"Hell yeah..."

She brought his mouth to hers and smiled onto his lips before kissing the top of his head, memories filling her mind as he held her hand. Why did she still feel like that, even after all that time?

"But to answer your question," he said, "I didn't have a real job... Just kept jumping from place to place."

She studied his face when his gaze dropped to their hands. It was in rare moments like those that he let his true colors transpire through the charming facade.

"Never found anything that made me happy," he whispered, raising his eyes to hers.

His thumb was drawing soft circles on her hand, and she knew that he was thinking about the same thing she was. _They had been so close._ She, too, had not found happiness in her job - at least not the kind of happiness she expected to. Or in other men's arms, not when all she wanted to find in every single one of them was _him._ A man whose life had also been tainted by loss, regret, fear, bad decisions, who had also been wandering around.

_A man she was still deeply in love with._

"Ask me again."

"What?"

"The first thing you asked me, some minutes ago."

"Jesus, woman, you're not helping..."

She tilted her head to smile sadly at him.

"You know."

Her gaze followed him as he sat up, clearing his throat as his eyes darted around the room before stopping on her face.

"Will you marry me?"

This time, when the words quietly left his lips, he knew he was looking positively worried. And he was worried. Worried about losing her again, worried that the time was no longer right, worried that he was not the man she deserved.

"Yes."

Her smile was so genuine that for a moment he thought he could be hallucinating.

"Don't you think it is too soon?"

"I waited thirteen years," she replied, her chin trembling slightly as she played with his hair. "I think that's good enough."

He sighed in relief, realizing that for the past moments he had actually been holding his breath.

"Next time they ask me who you are, I just... I just want to say it."

He let out a chuckle at her words. Indeed, the last time he had been asked about his connection to Emma, he'd had a hard time finding a decent answer. 'My son's mother' didn't sound right. 'Ex-girlfriend', even less. She was both those things, but more than that, she was _the love of his life_.

Not a very practical answer to give to strangers.

"Yeah... It does get weird when people ask me about you," he whispered, looking at their entwined fingers before gazing at her face again. "Are you sure... Is this, what you really want?"

"What I really want is you."

And then, she kissed him. Slowly and gently and it was just like that day, and all of a sudden he felt the happiest man to walk on earth.

"You..." he whispered, chuckling as he prodded her on the ribs. "Someone here is getting more than a foot massage..."

"After I take a shower, maybe."

Before he could argue, she sprouted from the bed and made a run to the bathroom.

"Hey, wait!" he exclaimed, and just when he was about to stand up, his hand landed, not for the first time that day, on a familiar silicon shaft.

A very quick thought crossed his mind. If he wanted to get rid of competition, that was the time. By the time Emma noticed _her dear Champ_ had gone missing, it would be too late.

But... Why would he? It had been fun to have him around.

"Emma," he called out when he heard the shower running. "Is this thing waterproof?"

"What thing?"

He rolled his eyes at the thought of saying that name aloud.

"Champ."

"I guess!" she replied. "Why?"

A mischievous smirk curled his lips when he looked at the bathroom door.

"Oh, nothing..." he whispered, his mind filling with images of how to put her toy to use.

His future wife was right, after all.

He was DefinitelyAPervert.


End file.
